I found out I was pregnant with Ezra at 9pm on August 10, 2008. I was 10dpo, and I felt a little nausea as I got up for work. I took a HPT before hopping in the shower and it immediately turned positive. Having just lost a baby at 7w6d just 4 weeks prior and another one before that, I was terrified. I cried on the phone to my friend, Kristin, all the way to work. I didn't want to lose a third baby in a row. I got hcg drawn, and it was going up perfectly. An ultrasound at 5w4d showed a gestational sac, and an ultrasound at 6w5d showed a beating heart. I was so relieved.
I made it past 7w6d (when I miscarried before), made it past the first trimester, and then we shared the news with family. My mother flew out when I was 16 weeks pregnant and heard his heartbeat at one of my appointments.
Just 6 days later I had my AFP drawn. It was high. For some reason I wasn't surprised. I cried because I knew the news would be bad. I thought of spina bifida, anencephaly, and even fetal death as possibilities. We set up an ultrasound for the next week at 18w5d, and met with the genetic counselor just before the ultrasound. The counselor determined that there was no reason to worry with our clean family history.
While waiting for the ultrasound room to be prepared for us, I checked my text message from Kristin. Finally she got her BFP! I was so excited I jumped up and down in the office crying! I called her and told her congratulations and that our babies would be 3 months apart! The tech came in and told us our room was ready, so I got off the phone quickly.
Minutes later, I saw my baby. He was still, and I knew he was gone. I hadn't felt a kick, and I hadn't had much morning sickness compared to my other two pregnancies. I was prepared when the sonographer said, "I'm sorry I don't see a heartbeat." The kids were so excited to see the baby, so I held back tears until they left the room to play with the tech. I just stared at the screen while the Dr. told me I could go home or go to the hospital to be induced.
I went to the hospital and got settled in. Jason took the kids home while I watched "Nicole" lose her baby on Days of Our Lives. I cried for her even though it was ME who was going through a real loss. Strange.
I got numerous texts from friends and got into CafeMom chat to keep my buddies updated. One of my new internet friends came to visit me in the hospital. It was the first time we met. Kristin spent the evening with me instead of celebrating her new pregnancy with her husband. I spent the rest of the night in chat with my CM friend, Heather. She helped me through my grief, and I'm forever thankful that she was there for me.
My water broke at 2am, and Ezra Jason was born at 2:05am. I thought I'd be afraid to look at him, but I snatched him up right away. He looked perfect and small. He was 3.1oz and 6.25in... very small for 18w5d. I guess the last time we heard his heartbeat he was already on his way home to Heaven.
He was cremated, and some of his ashes are in my locket. I feel so empty without him, and we'll never be the same. He'll always be loved.
No comments:
Post a Comment